That One Time I Had Liposuction and My Life Still Sucked

This is 12 pounds of fat removed through liposuction.

This is 12 pounds of fat removed through liposuction.

I have vaguely mentioned my liposuction surgery in other posts, but I’ve never really delved into it until now. When I was 23 I had 11 pounds of fat removed from my stomach, hips, and thighs. I had the surgery done in the Philippines, where my parents were working for two years.

It was the summer of 1998, and I recall my father first mentioning to me how inexpensive it was to have plastic surgery done in Manila, and my heart skipped a beat at the thought of thin thighs. He kept hinting at it until I pressed him for more information on the procedure. I probably weighed around 230 pounds at that time, and my self-esteem was in the crapper (I weigh about the same now). I had zero self-love and I was desperate. I really just wanted to feel desirable and beautiful. And thin, of course.

Why I want to lose weight

I believed this would make me happy. It never did.

I had no idea I was already magnificent.

I met with the surgeon and finalized a date for the surgery. In the days leading up to it, my father threatened to not pay for the liposuction. He wanted to make sure I was going to commit to losing more weight afterwards.  His intentions were good (tough love and all that), but it really just broke my heart. All my hopes in this life-changing surgery were about to be dashed. How could he threaten to take away the very thing I’d always hoped would make me happy?

Me before the surgery near my top weight of about 230 pounds.

Me before the surgery near my top weight of about 230 pounds.

In the end, he paid for the surgery. I remember waking up in the hospital bed wrapped in layers of gauze, alarmed at the amount of pain I was in. My father stood at my bedside, gleaming, and telling me they’d sucked 11 pounds of fat out of my body. All I could think was, I wished they’d sucked more out.

It took my body many weeks to heal. Plastic surgery is real surgery. My body was altered permanently, which at the time, seemed like a good thing. But it would catch up with me years later.

This is the cannula being inserted into a woman's stomach. They basically jam this violent instrument into your body.

This is the cannula being inserted into a woman’s stomach. They basically jam this violent instrument into your body.

In the months following the surgery, I moved to NYC to study interior design at FIT. I walked. A lot. And the weight came off quickly. I went down to about 160 pounds, 60 pounds down from my pre-surgery weight. And although I enjoyed shopping for clothes in mainstream stores, my self-esteem was not improved.

post surgery 1

Probably weighed around 165 or so here.

post surgery 2

Started to gain a little bit of weight, but still quite slender.

 

You see, I thought I was taking a shortcut to self-love by having liposuction. I honestly believed that having a smaller body would magically make me a happy and fulfilled person. So when it didn’t happen, I was devastated.

NY was a lonely place for me, and I ate to numb the pain. When I left with my design degree in hand two years later to head back to my hometown of D.C., I had put on some of the weight I’d lost.

My struggle with body image only got worse in the years following my surgery. I hadn’t dealt with the real reason I wasn’t happy with myself. I could not fathom the idea that I could be fat and still be worthy. The crazy dieting went on for years and years, well into my thirties. It wasn’t until I found 12-step programs, that I learned to find acceptance in my body. That, and lots of therapy and self-reflection.

therapy

I think plastic surgery is a personal decision that people make for various reasons.  And if you’re considering it, please do your research and think about why you’re doing it. There are many days that I regret having had it because I still have scars and a lower stomach that is uneven because my surgeon didn’t do a great job (I might qualify for the show Botched. Ok, not really). But then I remember that all these life decisions are what make us who we are. Perhaps if I hadn’t had the surgery, and the experience of being thin and unhappy, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

This E! show depicts people who have had plastic surgery gone bad.

This E! show depicts people who have had plastic surgery gone bad.

Life is full of lessons, some more painful and persistent than others. When I look at my scars and my oddly-shaped tummy, I am witness to the many years of self-hatred that I’ve had to let go.

body positive affirmation - mixed fat chick

Today I am stronger, wiser, kinder, and more compassionate with myself. I am learning everyday the perils of perfectionism, and moving courageously forward, sharing my story with the world. I urge you to the lift the veil of  your own past pains and to face them head on. It’s hard fucking work, but freedom is on the other side of fear. Be bold.

xo

9 thoughts on “That One Time I Had Liposuction and My Life Still Sucked

  1. So many feelings. I can not even count the amount of times I wished for surgery (or even magic sciccors to just cut whole parts of my flesh off). I have also heard similar accounts from people after having lapbad or Gastric pypass surgery. The self acceptance and love has to come first, it seems. I wish I had known you then, so I could tell you how perfect you already were. Much love. ❤

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  2. #SoMuchYes. Thank you for your story my love. Thank you for sharing the painful experience, the important feelings around it and the remarkable journey you are on. It is invaluable to me. I still fantasize about my body being magically transformed into the most palatable body it can be from time to time. And then I remember that THAT is not what its all about. I so appreciate your bravery in sharing this story. A story so many of us need to hear and be reminded of again and again. That it isn’t about the thighs, the belly, the breasts or the how long your arm waddle is. It’s about loving and accepting ourselves. period. Love you and love being a part of your story. ❤

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  4. Wow what a wonderful read, very personal and touching. I’ve considered lipo many times, in my 20s I secretly wanted to go to TJ and have it done with out tell a soul! I wasn’t brave enough to do it, but looking back now it wouldn’t have made a difference. It hit me one day when I realized that all my thin girl friends were also insecure and self conscious about their bodies. It was like a lighting bolt strike, it’s not about my size b/c my very thin friends weren’t happy about their bodies either! Sometimes we don’t realize that perfection is not real and that even those who appear to be “perfect” may be struggling too! Kudos to you for sharing this story!

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