Call it vulnerability, stupidity, craziness, bravery or whatever you want. For some reason, I’ve decided to share this list with you. Some things are less compelling than others, and some are just naked truths that feel like burdens lifted off my heavy body. Or maybe this my attempt at getting the support it requires to feel just fucking OK in a world obsessed with the thin female body. I suspect it’s the latter. This whole acceptance of self thing is really hard, and I just want to acknowledge that. Even the most confident of fatties struggles to keep her head up and exist peacefully in her body and the world. I’m no different. You’re probably not either. So, here it goes.
I am (in no particular order or importance):
- Often on guard about taking up space (airplanes, restaurant booths, narrow aisles).
- An occasional puller down of long shirts over wobbly bits.
- Worried I might look stupid when trying something new.
- Cautious to let you really see me and not care what you think.
- Courageous enough to call myself fat, even though it’s scary and controversial.
- Confused about how to be true to myself without disappointing others (this may not be possible).
- Hopeful that I will have peace around my body soon (define soon. right.).
- A writer who wishes to be understood and perhaps quoted one day.
- Someone with socially acceptable fat (i.e. fat that can be disguised in constrictive clothing).
- A work in progress.
- Still questioning whether complete self-love and acceptance is possible.
- Self-judgmental to a fault. I will forgive you more quickly than I will forgive myself for the same offense.
- People-pleaser and hence carry some resentments, which gets in the way of #21.
- Attention seeker (The I-was-a-dork-when-I-was-a-kid-and-I-need-your-validation garden variety bullshit).
- Consumerist—I just fucking buy too much shit.
- Uncomfortable being naked, even when it’s just me and the bathroom mirror.
- Somewhat uneasy being in a swimsuit in public.
- Sometimes believe I am less attractive than thin women, and thererfore less worthy of happiness and love.
- Lover of my curly hair.
- Eclectic in style and personality.
- Seeking a spiritual path that works for me.
- A pretty decent friend. See #10.
- A pretty decent wife. See #6 and #10.
- A fat model breaking down barriers and taking names.
- Silly and goofy because it makes me feel good to make people laugh.
- Intelligent but not always wise.
Ciao for Niao,